28th December 2025

18:02 | mood: okay

Christmas at my parents as a 31 (almost 32) year old woman is always a weird experience for me. I'm back in the house, the room I spent my teenage years in. Brushing my teeth in the mirror where I applied thick black eyeliner in my school blazer. Sitting in the room where the family computer was, logging onto My Chemical Romance fan forums and refreshing the pages for any new photos of the band, any news, anything. You kids don't know how great you have it these days... *shakes fist*

The INO forums finally went offline earlier this year. I spent a good chunk of 2007 and 2008 on this forum, met a dear friend on there (added each other on MSN and spent hours talking. The Christmas I got my own laptop, I remember staying up til 5am talking to her on school nights, squeeing over our united crushes on rock stars, crying over the problems we shared with each other, and promising we'd be friends forever.) We're still in touch, once or twice a year. We promised we'd see MCR together, get matching tattoos together, 'VAMPIRES' - one of us would get VAMP, the other IRES. We'd stay up and read various fanfictions together, they were the best things we'd ever read.
I found the famous fan fiction I introduced you to, Line. Only the first 28 chapters (out of 105!?) were archived. It's bad... but so good.

Everything in my life boils down to those forums. I wouldn't be in the job I have now without getting a job as a technician. I wouldn't have gotten that job if I didn't volunteer helping out kids making arts during my master's degree. I wouldn't have done my master's degree OR my bachelors degree in fine art without pursuing my interest in art. I don't think I wouldn't have gotten into art if I didn't know that Gerard Way drew. I wouldn't have gotten so much intro drawing and painting faces, if it weren't for me tracing and copying pictures of the band from the INO forums.

I emailed Dujo (at least I think I did) about potentially taking over the forums. I don't expect a reply.

Hey Line... do you wanna do something crazy and just fucking buy two tickets to see MCR play in New York? We'll get flights and meet at JFK. We'll share a hostel room and I'll pay for the matching VAMPIRES tatoo and we'll be best friends forever. You're 33 now and I'm 31, but somewhere, somehow, we're 13 and 15 talking on MSN at 00:17am about everything and everything and everything.

24th December 2025

22:04 | mood: sad

In my anticipatory grief, I went AWOL. Samjack is still here, he is tired and he is grumpy, but he has gained 10g since that Tuesday and is still taking his medicine. I am home for Christmas, I need to get some practice in giving him his medicine for when my parents are away. It's hard, I have to hold his tiny body tight and stick the syringe in his little beak whilst he wriggles and bites and cries for freedom. Practice makes perfect. I consider everyday I have with him a gift, a blessing. It takes a whole lot of love and affection for a cockatiel to reach 22. I hope I celebrate his 23rd hatch-day with him in May. I still cry, I know his day to go will come, but I want to spend as much time with him as I can before that day arrives. I will get up early tomorrow and take him out of his cage and let him sit on my knee (or shoulder, whatever he prefers!) and hang out.

I love you, Samjack. I'm sorry I grew up and moved away. I'm sorry I haven't always been the best pet owner. I'm sorry I didn't spend as much time with you as I should have. I feel guilty.

I love you, Samjack. Thank you for being by my side whilst I grew up, and welcoming me home when I come to visit now I'm an adult. Thank you for being my motivation to be the best cockatiel owner I could possibly be. Thank you for letting me spend time with you when I do visit - I love it when you sit on my shoulder and preen my hair, or sit on my knee and take a nap. Thank you for being the grumpy old man you have become. I feel so very loved, and you are so very loved too.

15th december 2025

19:47 | mood: sad

i don't know if i feel like blogging. on tuesday my mum rang me to tell me that my cockatiel, samjack, of 22 years is reaching the end of his life. she took him to the vet and he has been given some medicine to help with his circulation. but as the vet said, this is the beginning of his end.

he is still here, but i am grieving. i have cried everyday.