Sunday 24th May 2026

Time 15:38 | Mood Mood: Anxious

I've been putting off blogging for a while as it means I have to confront my emotions and feelings. I've been really struggling with anticipatory grief these past few weeks and it has been taking its toll on me.

I worry about my cockatiel constantly. I am filled with panic and anxiety that this day might be the day we lose him, and I'm frightened of every notification and phone call that I get on the off chance it is my parents ringing me to tell me he is gone or he does not habe much time left. And I check the Blink camera we have at my parents home multiple times a day to check if he is okay. But I don't know if I am checking to see if he is okay, or if I am just checking to calm my nerves.

When my mum tells me he is fine, part of me doesn't believe her; like she is holding something back from me to not hurt my feelings. When she says he has had a 'bad' day I cry and cry and cry and want to do nothing but crawl into a ball and let the earth absorb me. I check train times home just incase I need to get the last train home - which is always 5:25pm.

I wake up each morning in a panic and I feel anxious and on edge a lot of the time. Needless to say, I have begun seeking out a therapist to talk to about what I'm experiencing. I had an initial meeting with one counsellor on Tuesday, and I sobbed the entire time. The counsellor/therapist I'm meeting on Wednesday is a counsellor whose speciality is grief and its many forms, so I'm hoping we are a good match. Who knew I would have both a personal trainer and a therapist in the same year? Physical health, mental health... what other healths are there?

Everything feels so much heavier to do. Like I have a weight in my chest, a tightness, like someone has taken an ice cream scoop and scooped something out of my chest. I am still engaging with my hobbies, I'm knitting a baby cardigan and studying PHP, going to work and looking after my skin and eating right (drinking lots of water, opting for healthier foods instead of junk) but it's so fucking heavy. Everything feels so much heavier to do.

At work on Tuesday I'm going to ask to see if I can have a weekend off in June to go home and spend time with him. I also have two weeks in July off, so I'll go home then too for a few days. Fuck the flight I booked to London to see MCR - I'll get the train there.

I'll return to blogging, to Salvaged, to everything soon. Hopefully. Everything is just really heavy right now and I need to concentrate on staying afloat.

Sunday 5th April 2026

Time 22:56 | Mood Mood: Relaxed, lazy

All big tasks need to be prepared with a nice cup of tea, even if it is almost 11pm.

Had a busy week at work this week. We did stock take, which is always fun (not even being sarcastic, I find counting the things we have and taking inventory of everything quite satisfying) and I went to an exhibition opening on the 1st. I say I went to the opening... I didn't actually see the exhibition! My colleagues and I were too busy drinking and you couldn't take your drinks into the exhibit LOL. Needless to say, audit the next day was done with a slight hangover. I think the whole audit took me about 2h 40 mins? Maybe next year I can bring a stopwatch and time myself. Try to beat last years record? ... I'm lame, hahah.

Did a huge amount of admin stuff at work too. It's that time of year where we have to review prices, so that's high up on my list of things to work on next week. Also some general organising, tidying, ordering... and my continued love for excel sheets.

Speaking of love for spreadsheet software, I recently made a Google Sheets document to track all of my projects, ideas, to dos, and general things I want to achieve. It's actually helped quieten my busy anxious brain. Highly recommend.


alas... behold my free time

Me? Tested for neurodiversity? Nope, never. What makes you suggest that?

Anyways, behold the new layout for Avenue. I love it, especially the image map. I can't stop hovering and clicking them, weeeee

friday 3rd april 2026

Time 21:59 | Mood Mood: Tiiiiiireddd

Things I still have to do on site revamp:
enjoy! I did a lot of housekeeping for this, tweaking code and making things more efficient (in theory). Let me know if you spot any errors. peace x