15th March 2026

20:00 | Mood: Positive, hopeful

Today I did the following:

In the next few hours I'd like to:
I feel good. getting stuff done makes me feel happy.

9th March 2026

18:37 | Mood: content

Finally starting to feel like I'm getting back on my feet. I look forward to the day ahead, I doomscroll less, I try to eat the frog first (Wow, two blogs with dead frog references in a row?) Sheesh.

So far I've been making a mental note to clean up after myself as soon as I have finished with something. Instead of taking my shoes off and leaving them on the floor after work, I have been moving them to besides the shoe cupboard, and put yesterday's shoes inside. I like to think shoes 'air out' over night. *lame*
If I've put one thing down, I try to tidy two things up. If the bin is full, I don't walk past it - empty it. Waiting for the kettle to boil? I use that time to put clean dishes away and tidy the kitchen. It's a small thing, but it's having a huge impact on my wellbeing and how I approach tasks.

I'm on an evil mission at work... I'm trying to throw out something everyday. It could be a piece of paper taped on the inside of a cupboard that hasn't been used in years, some dried up ink, a catalogue. We are doing a big spring clean and this is my side quest, muahahahaha.
Speaking of work, my job review will be coming soon. I will have been at this job for 3 years in April, and since it's a 'new' role (meaning my predecesor had a different job to me - no admin, no organising inventory work, etc) we need to look back on the job description and alter it as necessary. I do a hell of a lot more stuff than I did three years ago, but on the other hand, I don't do some of the stuff on the original job description anymore either. Some of it's been made redundant, or we've found ways to more effectively do it. Hmm. I'll keep you all updated.

I've started going back to the gym twice a week with the help of a personal trainer. I highly recommend getting a PT if it's something you are considering and are fortunate enough to have the budget for. Two weeks in, I've deadlifted 40kg after not stepping in a gym for 8 months post-back-injury! Like damn. It's great to have someone who knows all of the muscles, and which ones contribute to a strong core, and how other exercises can help movements. Hiiiiiighly recommend.

Still working on the next layout for Avenue. I've decided to go for a left-aligned layout and an imagemap.

5th March 2026

00:02 | Mood: restless

I have been putting off blogging for a long time. I think the reason I haven't blogged, is that it would force me to confront my feelings and face the reality of some of them. It sounds dramatic, but the past month has been an emotional rollercoaster and I still feel nervous as hell writing this. Infact, I've been trying to write this post for the past hour, and I keep finding things to "do first", such as: and so on and so forth. So I guess I'll take it week by week:

2nd feb - 8th feb
Feeling good, feeling productive. Got lots of my hobbies done, feeling fine. Nothing to blog about really, life going on as it does.

9th feb - 15th feb
On monday9th February, my mum rang me to tell me that Samjack, my beloved 22 year old cockatiel, had taken a turn for the worst. We had a scary time in December where we thought we might lose him, but this time felt more final. He had lost all of his weight that he had gained in December, had no interest in drinking or eating, and just wanted to sleep. It was clear that he had made up his mind; that he had decided he had had enough, and that this was his way of telling us that it was his time. I burst into tears, and cried and cried and cried. I got the last train home on that Monday, getting home around 11pm. I saw Samjack asleep in his cage. He was so skinny, but he was still here. I cried every second of the train ride home, and every moment of being home. Cried myself to sleep that night.

Tuesday came. He still had no interest in eating or drinking, his keel bone was protruding, he was so underweight and it hurts me to even type it all out. We had to start thinking whether or not it was best to help him across the rainbow bridge, to put him to sleep. If this was what he wanted, I didn't want him to suffer. I wasn't going to let him starve to death if death was what he wanted. No one tells you about the inner turmoil you have to go through when making a decision like this - who am I thinking of when I thought, 'I want to end this pain'? Do I want to end Samjack's pain, or do I want to end my pain? How many times can I realistically go through this scenario, if he does recover and then gets ill again? Would it be more humane to put him to sleep now, so he doesnt suffer, or so I don't suffer? Humane for me, or for Samjack? Why am I making this decision? Is it for selfish reasons? The guilt I felt was enormous. I wanted to die with him. I had him out of his cage as much as was fair for him. I took hundreds of photos. He just wanted to sleep.

Wednesday. We booked a vets appointment on Thursday afternoon - whether we would say goodbye to him, or have him checked over, we would let the vet have the say on Thursday. I was prepared for this to be my last full day with him. I spoke to him when I was home alone with him, softly telling him that it was okay if he wanted to go, if he wanted to be with Pat and Pickles and Poppy. He doesn't have to wait for me to be ready for him to go, he doesn't have to wait for any of us to be ready for his death. That he could just go when he wanted to. It was my way of telling him that he can go if he wants to, and it's okay. By some miracle, he began eating again, drinking again. He gained a little weight - the first in days. I don't know why he changed his mind. But I'm grateful he did.

Thursday. Rang the vets - we said he had continued to gain weight and eat and drink throughout the day, and they said it would be best not to 'rock the boat' by stressing him out with a car ride and to keep him home. Whatever it was that he had, he was fighting it and was coming out the other end.

Friday. I had to return home - I gave him one last gentle hug, one last soft kiss, and said goodbye knowing that there was a chance I would never see him again. Before I left for my train, I put him in his cage, and told him to remember what I said. I cried on the train home.

For the rest of February, Samjack continued to gain weight and get back to his normal self. He is back up to 86/7g now, an increase of almost 20g from that scary week. As I write this, he is still with us now. I'm thankful everyday for the additional time I've been given with him. I still get anxious when thinking about it. Tears are streaming down my face as I type.

Death has followed me. I found a dead frog (!!!!?) in a drawer at work. Road kill.

My 32nd Birthday was on the 3rd. Thank you for seeing me to my 32nd year, little bird.